“Whose Problem is It?

If Someone You Know Has a Problem, but They Don’t Have a Problem With Their Problem… Is It Still a Problem?

Here’s a little something I discovered…even if the whole world agrees that someone has a problem, if they don’t have a problem with their problem…it’s not your problem.  (Even if they do have a problem with their problem, it’s still not your problem!)

Now I figure you’re either laughing, or you may think I don’t know what I’m talking about and listing all of the exceptions to the rule on this one.  So if you fall into the latter category, just ask yourself, “Would you prefer to be right or happy?”

Now this is totally off the subject, but I have to quickly share something I did about 20 years ago while traveling cross country in my car.  I was on a highway that took me through tiny towns and every place I stopped the bathroom doors had loads of graffiti.  I found it very annoying that was all there was to read.  So the next time I went to the bathroom I took a huge gold magic marker (the fancy kind for invitations) and I wrote on the stall door (on the inside of course)  “Would you prefer to be right or happy?”

I was so pleased with myself I just sat there smiling.  In fact, I’d started taking my gold pen into every gas station and I wrote some small, intriguing quote from “A Course in Miracles” wherever I went.  Well a month or so later I was headed back and happened to stop at that very first gas station. I was delighted to see that all of the graffiti had been cleaned off of the door, except my shiny, gold quote!

Ok, back to that problem that’s not your problem!  (I’m going to be loosely describing a book called, “Awareness” by Anthony de Mello.  And referring to a chapter called “Change as Greed.”  This is a FANTASTIC BOOK…I highly recommend it!)

Now, the first thing you have to recognize is that when you perceive someone as ‘having a problem’ you are feeling a negative emotion.  So recognize that these feelings are about you… they are your feelings.  Another person in your position would be perfectly calm and at ease in the presence of this person, they’re not affected you are.

Now here’s what Anthony de Mello says, “Now, understand another thing, that you’re making a demand.  You have an expectation of this person.”

When I read this I was stunned.  I felt that I was a spiritual grownup.  I would never make a demand on another person.  I had learned not to be judgmental – hadn’t I?  But there it was.  Any negative emotion, for any reason whatsoever boiled down to ME being in judgment, having an expectation, and making a demand.  And this was just last summer!

Happily, I’m happy to learn.  There’s nothing in me that wants to hang on to an uncomfortable way of being.  So you too, can instantly ‘wake up’ just like I did, if you want to!

But let me quote a bit more.  “Then say to this person, ‘I have no right to make any demands on you.’  In saying this you will drop your expectation.  ‘I have no right to make any demands on you.’  Oh, I’ll protect myself from the consequences of your actions or your moods or whatever, but you can go ahead and be yourself, I have no right to make any demands on you.”

That quote set me free.  You see, I’d been married to my husband, Don, for nine years.  Don has a feisty, Italian, hot-blooded heritage, he can be absolutely wonderful and then moody and then back to wonderful, and then stressing out about finances, angry while driving, happy then worrying or whatever.  I am cool by nature, grounded, handle stress extremely well, and I might add, in our Relationship Report (you can read about these in the astrology section on my site…and you can get a couple of pages for free as well if you’re in an intimate relationship – www.aspaceoflove.com/astrology.html) there’s an aspect between us where Don “stimulates” me to feel angry, and to make matters worse, the report points out that this is “MY PROBLEM” not his!  How annoying is that?

And it was true.  For over nine years, Don was “making me mad” a few times a week!  I knew it was my problem.  But I’d have to stop my otherwise perfect day to have to ‘deal’ with whatever it was that was upsetting Don.

For nine years, I’d been saying, “Now Don, look, you have to learn to let go, and just be happy…bla, bla, bla….”  But after reading “Awareness” I realized I wasn’t talking to Don about anything of interest to him, I was making a demand.  It went like this, “Stop screwing up my day.  I was having a happy day until I had to stop and deal with your latest problem.  I’ve only told you five billion times that ALL IS WELL (except your behavior!) bla, bla, bla.”

Now here’s the Faerie Dust…the piece of Pure Magic that transformed my world. I FINALLY realized that I was ‘making a demand’ as a means of trying to PROTECT myself.

You see, I thought, of course my husband wants to be happy, and I can see why he’s not happy, so it’s obviously my job to point out ways he can change, and be happy…and then I’ll be happy (because in the end it is all about me and my happiness!)

But when I realized I was making a demand (very humbling, I might add!) I thought about how I’d feel if I wasn’t feeling well or if I was tired or grumpy and someone said, “Hey, Heather, cheer up, be happy!”  I’d be like, “Go to hell…I’m having a lousy day, clear out!”

Ding, ding, ding…I got it.  I need you to be happy so that I can be happy is a demand, because not everyone wants to be happy!  (Except me!  I do.  I love being happy.) And I discovered the trick to being HAPPY ALL the TIME.

I had to protect myself.

But before I go there, here’s one other thing from “Awareness” that I had to admit to myself.

Anthony de Mello says that if you’re in resistance to saying to another person: “I have no rights to make any demands on you,” then “how much you’re going to discover about your ‘me.’  Let the dictator in you come out, let the tyrant come out.  You thought you were such a little lamb, didn’t you?  But I’m a tyrant and you’re a tyrant.  A little variation on ‘I’m and ass, you’re an ass.’  I’m a dictator, you’re a dictator.  I want to run your life for you; I want to tell you exactly how you’re expected to act and how you’re expected to behave, and you’d better behave as I have decided or I shall punish myself with negative feelings.”

Holy cow!  I was no longer a little lamb!  I saw clearly that I was a tyrant, a dictator and an ass!

Here’s what I did.  I read this section to Don and said, “You are going to LOVE this, honey.  I’m turning over a new cosmic leaf!  I am no longer going to make any demands of you.  I am never, ever again going to try to intervene in anything you do or anything you say.  You are free to be yourself.

“At the same time, I realize that I’ve been trying to talk to you…making demands that you be a happier, spiritually awakened person…because I’ve been trying to protect myself from your moods.  So you get to be your hot-blooded Italian self,  and I will protect myself from your moods – by taking over the guest room and making it into my ‘Faerie Goddess Temple!’  So when the door is closed, it means I’m not available.  Whatever mood you’re in, however you’re feeling about your job is now officially none of my business, and I will be in my room being happy, the way I like to be!”

Instantly I was in HEAVEN…every day!  A month went by and I had not been angry at Don even once.

But there’s a little more to this protection part.   In “Awareness” it says, “…I’ll protect myself, I’ll be myself.  In other words, I won’t allow you to manipulate me.  I’ll live my life; I’ll go my own way; I’ll keep myself free to think my thoughts, to follow my inclinations and tastes.  And I’ll say no to you.  If I feel I don’t want to be in your company, it won’t be because of any negative feelings you cause in me, because you don’t anymore.  You don’t have any power over me.  I simply might prefer other people’s company.  So when you say to me, ‘How about a movie tonight?’  I’ll say, ‘Sorry I want to go with someone else; I enjoy his company more than yours.’  And that’s all right.

To say no to people – that’s wonderful; that’s part of waking up.

Part of waking up is that you live your life as you see fit.  And understand:  That is not selfish.  The selfish thing is to demand that someone else live their life as YOU see fit…by demanding they live their life to suit your tastes, or your pride, or your profit, or your pleasure.  That is truly selfish.  So, I’ll protect myself.  I won’t feel obligated to say yes to you.  If I find your company pleasant, then I’ll enjoy it without clinging to it.  But I no longer avoid you because of any negative feelings you create in me.  You don’t have that power anymore.”

So what happens when there are no longer any negative feelings?  I wondered about that?  Nothing was repulsing me or attracting me.  I was lovingly detached.  And I felt like an observer.  I was just watching to see what Love had in store.  I absolutely knew the solution to negativity within myself.  But this understanding on my part didn’t protect my children from negativity that they didn’t want to experience either.

When this became clear I knew it was time to move on.  But it was with total love and appreciation for my husband.  And we sat and talked about the idea that Love’s solution is ALWAYS a win/win.  We talked about why Don would be happier too.  And there was a beautiful, kind, loving resolution between us.  Don went on to his winter job in Alta, Utah, and I was guided to go to the Yucatan and now Amelia and I live in Antigua, Guatemala – and absolutely love it!  www.aspaceoflove.com/antigua.html.    Don has been supportive financially and emotionally, we continue to chat and be the best of friends, and yet I’m clear that I prefer living on my own with my daughter, and she’s happier as well.  But we all talk on Skype and share pictures and stories, and say “I love you.”

In learning to stop making demands, and at the same time protect myself by saying, “No,” I discovered how to love in a much more profound way.  I discovered I can love my husband and at the same time see the beauty of us living our lives exactly as we prefer.  And I saw a beautiful side of Don which was his willingness to align with the idea that Love ALWAYS has a win/win in store.  In all of the time we’ve been together, even in separating and going in our own directions, there has never been an unkind word between us.  And that continues to this day.

Don will tell you himself that one of his favorite things about me is that I’m a naturally happy, sunny kind of person, but that didn’t mean he wanted to have me explain to him on regular basis (two or three times a week for nine years!) how he too could be happy if he just ‘dealt’ with a few things!  It’s like saying, “I see you’re enjoying that lovely sunset…let me show you how you too can become a lovely sunset!”

Allowing your husband, wife, children, parents, co-workers or friends to be themselves does not require you to suffer, because you have the right to say no.  They’re aren’t responsible for your happiness.  You are!  You simply let them be the way they are, and then ask yourself, “Is this relationship appropriate for me?”

The truth is, we always know when a relationship is no longer appropriate, but it can be an inconvenience to act on your intuition.  Most people are afraid of what others will think, or they feel they can’t afford it.

So I’ll tell you what happened for me.  There was a defining moment when I absolutely knew without question that it was time to move out.  I knew I wouldn’t stay, but I had no money to move out.  So I thought, “No problem, I can camp.” And then this little voice said, “Winter’s coming.”  I thought, “We’ll camp in the Yucatan.  I’ve been there before, and I love the beach.”

The moment I thought that, bells went off in my head.  And I had the instant feeling to let everything go, even selling our horse, and that I wouldn’t be moving back to Sedona (though I loved living there and had lots of wonderful friends).  I had the feeling we’d end up in Central or South America, but I had no idea where.  Happily I’m good at trusting.

After two weeks of camping on the beach, I said, “Ok, God, any hint as to where we’re going after this would be great.”  The next day I met a woman on the beach, because Amelia was building sand castles with her sons.  Micky was originally from Tennessee and told me about how much she loved Antigua.  I asked about horses, and she told me that her friend owned an amazing stable where they were involved in natural horsemanship, and lessons were $12 an hour including the horse!  I thought, “Thank you, Spirit!  That’s where we’re moving!”

The point is, you have to trust first.  You have to trust that even when things don’t appear to be working out, they’re actually working out perfectly – every time without exception.  I no longer require any perspective to see this.  I know from experience that if a door closes – it’s the Universe’s way of guiding me to something that will make me infinitely happier – so I NEVER feel any sense of lack or limitation.  If I’m meant to be someplace it will fall in my lap effortlessly.

When we arrived in Antigua we walked one block to the main street (after camping behind the police station!) and saw Micky and her family waving wildly at us from their car.  She introduced me to a neighbor who needed a dog sitter, and while staying there Micky introduced me to another friend who is renting us an amazingly beautiful place.  (Pictures will be forthcoming!)

Amelia is taking riding lessons four times a week from Norma, the most wonderful teacher on the planet.  Her daughter is 14 and teaching Amelia Spanish, I contribute to the lessons, which helps Norma who’s a single mom, and supports her daughter as well.  They love Amelia, she loves them, and as Norma puts it, “You’re family!”  And that’s how it is with Guatemalans…if they love you, you’re family and that’s it!

When people ask us how long we’re planning to stay here Amelia says, “Forever!”

14 comments February 8, 2010