“Whose Problem is It?
February 8, 2010
aspaceoflove
If Someone You Know Has a Problem, but They Don’t Have a Problem With Their Problem… Is It Still a Problem?
Here’s a little something I discovered…even if the whole world agrees that someone has a problem, if they don’t have a problem with their problem…it’s not your problem. (Even if they do have a problem with their problem, it’s still not your problem!)
Now I figure you’re either laughing, or you may think I don’t know what I’m talking about and listing all of the exceptions to the rule on this one. So if you fall into the latter category, just ask yourself, “Would you prefer to be right or happy?”
Now this is totally off the subject, but I have to quickly share something I did about 20 years ago while traveling cross country in my car. I was on a highway that took me through tiny towns and every place I stopped the bathroom doors had loads of graffiti. I found it very annoying that was all there was to read. So the next time I went to the bathroom I took a huge gold magic marker (the fancy kind for invitations) and I wrote on the stall door (on the inside of course) “Would you prefer to be right or happy?”
I was so pleased with myself I just sat there smiling. In fact, I’d started taking my gold pen into every gas station and I wrote some small, intriguing quote from “A Course in Miracles” wherever I went. Well a month or so later I was headed back and happened to stop at that very first gas station. I was delighted to see that all of the graffiti had been cleaned off of the door, except my shiny, gold quote!
Ok, back to that problem that’s not your problem! (I’m going to be loosely describing a book called, “Awareness” by Anthony de Mello. And referring to a chapter called “Change as Greed.” This is a FANTASTIC BOOK…I highly recommend it!)
Now, the first thing you have to recognize is that when you perceive someone as ‘having a problem’ you are feeling a negative emotion. So recognize that these feelings are about you… they are your feelings. Another person in your position would be perfectly calm and at ease in the presence of this person, they’re not affected you are.
Now here’s what Anthony de Mello says, “Now, understand another thing, that you’re making a demand. You have an expectation of this person.”
When I read this I was stunned. I felt that I was a spiritual grownup. I would never make a demand on another person. I had learned not to be judgmental – hadn’t I? But there it was. Any negative emotion, for any reason whatsoever boiled down to ME being in judgment, having an expectation, and making a demand. And this was just last summer!
Happily, I’m happy to learn. There’s nothing in me that wants to hang on to an uncomfortable way of being. So you too, can instantly ‘wake up’ just like I did, if you want to!
But let me quote a bit more. “Then say to this person, ‘I have no right to make any demands on you.’ In saying this you will drop your expectation. ‘I have no right to make any demands on you.’ Oh, I’ll protect myself from the consequences of your actions or your moods or whatever, but you can go ahead and be yourself, I have no right to make any demands on you.”
That quote set me free. You see, I’d been married to my husband, Don, for nine years. Don has a feisty, Italian, hot-blooded heritage, he can be absolutely wonderful and then moody and then back to wonderful, and then stressing out about finances, angry while driving, happy then worrying or whatever. I am cool by nature, grounded, handle stress extremely well, and I might add, in our Relationship Report (you can read about these in the astrology section on my site…and you can get a couple of pages for free as well if you’re in an intimate relationship – www.aspaceoflove.com/astrology.html) there’s an aspect between us where Don “stimulates” me to feel angry, and to make matters worse, the report points out that this is “MY PROBLEM” not his! How annoying is that?
And it was true. For over nine years, Don was “making me mad” a few times a week! I knew it was my problem. But I’d have to stop my otherwise perfect day to have to ‘deal’ with whatever it was that was upsetting Don.
For nine years, I’d been saying, “Now Don, look, you have to learn to let go, and just be happy…bla, bla, bla….” But after reading “Awareness” I realized I wasn’t talking to Don about anything of interest to him, I was making a demand. It went like this, “Stop screwing up my day. I was having a happy day until I had to stop and deal with your latest problem. I’ve only told you five billion times that ALL IS WELL (except your behavior!) bla, bla, bla.”
Now here’s the Faerie Dust…the piece of Pure Magic that transformed my world. I FINALLY realized that I was ‘making a demand’ as a means of trying to PROTECT myself.
You see, I thought, of course my husband wants to be happy, and I can see why he’s not happy, so it’s obviously my job to point out ways he can change, and be happy…and then I’ll be happy (because in the end it is all about me and my happiness!)
But when I realized I was making a demand (very humbling, I might add!) I thought about how I’d feel if I wasn’t feeling well or if I was tired or grumpy and someone said, “Hey, Heather, cheer up, be happy!” I’d be like, “Go to hell…I’m having a lousy day, clear out!”
Ding, ding, ding…I got it. I need you to be happy so that I can be happy is a demand, because not everyone wants to be happy! (Except me! I do. I love being happy.) And I discovered the trick to being HAPPY ALL the TIME.
I had to protect myself.
But before I go there, here’s one other thing from “Awareness” that I had to admit to myself.
Anthony de Mello says that if you’re in resistance to saying to another person: “I have no rights to make any demands on you,” then “how much you’re going to discover about your ‘me.’ Let the dictator in you come out, let the tyrant come out. You thought you were such a little lamb, didn’t you? But I’m a tyrant and you’re a tyrant. A little variation on ‘I’m and ass, you’re an ass.’ I’m a dictator, you’re a dictator. I want to run your life for you; I want to tell you exactly how you’re expected to act and how you’re expected to behave, and you’d better behave as I have decided or I shall punish myself with negative feelings.”
Holy cow! I was no longer a little lamb! I saw clearly that I was a tyrant, a dictator and an ass!
Here’s what I did. I read this section to Don and said, “You are going to LOVE this, honey. I’m turning over a new cosmic leaf! I am no longer going to make any demands of you. I am never, ever again going to try to intervene in anything you do or anything you say. You are free to be yourself.
“At the same time, I realize that I’ve been trying to talk to you…making demands that you be a happier, spiritually awakened person…because I’ve been trying to protect myself from your moods. So you get to be your hot-blooded Italian self, and I will protect myself from your moods – by taking over the guest room and making it into my ‘Faerie Goddess Temple!’ So when the door is closed, it means I’m not available. Whatever mood you’re in, however you’re feeling about your job is now officially none of my business, and I will be in my room being happy, the way I like to be!”
Instantly I was in HEAVEN…every day! A month went by and I had not been angry at Don even once.
But there’s a little more to this protection part. In “Awareness” it says, “…I’ll protect myself, I’ll be myself. In other words, I won’t allow you to manipulate me. I’ll live my life; I’ll go my own way; I’ll keep myself free to think my thoughts, to follow my inclinations and tastes. And I’ll say no to you. If I feel I don’t want to be in your company, it won’t be because of any negative feelings you cause in me, because you don’t anymore. You don’t have any power over me. I simply might prefer other people’s company. So when you say to me, ‘How about a movie tonight?’ I’ll say, ‘Sorry I want to go with someone else; I enjoy his company more than yours.’ And that’s all right.
To say no to people – that’s wonderful; that’s part of waking up.
Part of waking up is that you live your life as you see fit. And understand: That is not selfish. The selfish thing is to demand that someone else live their life as YOU see fit…by demanding they live their life to suit your tastes, or your pride, or your profit, or your pleasure. That is truly selfish. So, I’ll protect myself. I won’t feel obligated to say yes to you. If I find your company pleasant, then I’ll enjoy it without clinging to it. But I no longer avoid you because of any negative feelings you create in me. You don’t have that power anymore.”
So what happens when there are no longer any negative feelings? I wondered about that? Nothing was repulsing me or attracting me. I was lovingly detached. And I felt like an observer. I was just watching to see what Love had in store. I absolutely knew the solution to negativity within myself. But this understanding on my part didn’t protect my children from negativity that they didn’t want to experience either.
When this became clear I knew it was time to move on. But it was with total love and appreciation for my husband. And we sat and talked about the idea that Love’s solution is ALWAYS a win/win. We talked about why Don would be happier too. And there was a beautiful, kind, loving resolution between us. Don went on to his winter job in Alta, Utah, and I was guided to go to the Yucatan and now Amelia and I live in Antigua, Guatemala – and absolutely love it! www.aspaceoflove.com/antigua.html. Don has been supportive financially and emotionally, we continue to chat and be the best of friends, and yet I’m clear that I prefer living on my own with my daughter, and she’s happier as well. But we all talk on Skype and share pictures and stories, and say “I love you.”
In learning to stop making demands, and at the same time protect myself by saying, “No,” I discovered how to love in a much more profound way. I discovered I can love my husband and at the same time see the beauty of us living our lives exactly as we prefer. And I saw a beautiful side of Don which was his willingness to align with the idea that Love ALWAYS has a win/win in store. In all of the time we’ve been together, even in separating and going in our own directions, there has never been an unkind word between us. And that continues to this day.
Don will tell you himself that one of his favorite things about me is that I’m a naturally happy, sunny kind of person, but that didn’t mean he wanted to have me explain to him on regular basis (two or three times a week for nine years!) how he too could be happy if he just ‘dealt’ with a few things! It’s like saying, “I see you’re enjoying that lovely sunset…let me show you how you too can become a lovely sunset!”
Allowing your husband, wife, children, parents, co-workers or friends to be themselves does not require you to suffer, because you have the right to say no. They’re aren’t responsible for your happiness. You are! You simply let them be the way they are, and then ask yourself, “Is this relationship appropriate for me?”
The truth is, we always know when a relationship is no longer appropriate, but it can be an inconvenience to act on your intuition. Most people are afraid of what others will think, or they feel they can’t afford it.
So I’ll tell you what happened for me. There was a defining moment when I absolutely knew without question that it was time to move out. I knew I wouldn’t stay, but I had no money to move out. So I thought, “No problem, I can camp.” And then this little voice said, “Winter’s coming.” I thought, “We’ll camp in the Yucatan. I’ve been there before, and I love the beach.”
The moment I thought that, bells went off in my head. And I had the instant feeling to let everything go, even selling our horse, and that I wouldn’t be moving back to Sedona (though I loved living there and had lots of wonderful friends). I had the feeling we’d end up in Central or South America, but I had no idea where. Happily I’m good at trusting.
After two weeks of camping on the beach, I said, “Ok, God, any hint as to where we’re going after this would be great.” The next day I met a woman on the beach, because Amelia was building sand castles with her sons. Micky was originally from Tennessee and told me about how much she loved Antigua. I asked about horses, and she told me that her friend owned an amazing stable where they were involved in natural horsemanship, and lessons were $12 an hour including the horse! I thought, “Thank you, Spirit! That’s where we’re moving!”
The point is, you have to trust first. You have to trust that even when things don’t appear to be working out, they’re actually working out perfectly – every time without exception. I no longer require any perspective to see this. I know from experience that if a door closes – it’s the Universe’s way of guiding me to something that will make me infinitely happier – so I NEVER feel any sense of lack or limitation. If I’m meant to be someplace it will fall in my lap effortlessly.
When we arrived in Antigua we walked one block to the main street (after camping behind the police station!) and saw Micky and her family waving wildly at us from their car. She introduced me to a neighbor who needed a dog sitter, and while staying there Micky introduced me to another friend who is renting us an amazingly beautiful place. (Pictures will be forthcoming!)
Amelia is taking riding lessons four times a week from Norma, the most wonderful teacher on the planet. Her daughter is 14 and teaching Amelia Spanish, I contribute to the lessons, which helps Norma who’s a single mom, and supports her daughter as well. They love Amelia, she loves them, and as Norma puts it, “You’re family!” And that’s how it is with Guatemalans…if they love you, you’re family and that’s it!
When people ask us how long we’re planning to stay here Amelia says, “Forever!”
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1.
Lorna |
February 8, 2010 at 10:35 pm
Okay, this feels right on so many levels–I just had to smile. I love this. Thanks, Heather, for sharing your experience with putting Anthony de Mello’s concept to work in your life. Peace…
2.
aspaceoflove |
February 8, 2010 at 10:57 pm
Thanks Lorna! So glad to ‘see’ you here!
3.
Jenna |
February 9, 2010 at 6:05 am
You suggested I read this before our session and of course, it was exactly what I needed to hear…to realize how tyrannical I have become and the weight it has put on my spirit. I applaud the way you follow your intuition and heart and hope that I can learn to do the same!
4.
aspaceoflove |
February 9, 2010 at 7:29 am
Oh Jenna, Thank you! I’m so looking forward to our session today! It’s a relief to know that “I’m a tyrant and you’re a tyrant”…is simply part of the ‘human condition’ … it’s humbling and liberating at the same time!
5.
alysia |
February 12, 2010 at 3:56 am
wow. I really needed to hear that. ACIM says we are not upset for the reason we think we are. I really think I can “move on” now and I can say no to joining and making someone’s problem my own, or just let them be; in the other room if necessary or half a continent away; as long as you don’t go away mad! I get it. Having no expectations on behavior..ok you can be mad or passionate. it’s ok with me; I will love you anyway..but you know in your heart when you have to take care of yourself and move on. it’s beautiful!
6.
aspaceoflove |
February 12, 2010 at 4:00 am
Thank you, Alysia, I’m so glad it made sense to you!
7.
Malika |
February 14, 2010 at 10:53 am
All my love
))
8.
libby |
February 14, 2010 at 12:18 pm
your post on the 500 people assembling, while you are tripping around having a blast- was amusing
happy valentines!
I went through many stages of this condition the past 10 years and full on agree. Eventually (after a year of the toning meditation you offer), I found myself eager to share enthusiasm with family. Yet they assumed I was still in judgement and remained extremely belligerent. I acknowledged they did not share my POV, so hid out awhile, then took the cue to recreate.
A clear, detached energy began emanating toward them again, and Oila’! they ran?! It must have been like dominoes, one tile moves out of position and all must reposition. fascinating.
thanks. Libby
9.
aspaceoflove |
February 14, 2010 at 7:12 pm
Hi Libby, I”m not quite sure what you’re referring to “500 people assembling?” but I’m glad you’ve been enjoying the toning-meditation. And that you’re understanding the power in being lovingly detached!
10.
Bruno |
February 25, 2010 at 11:55 pm
Thank you for sharing this story of love and understanding. I connect with you because I lived a similar situation some time ago.
It is inspirational because you didn’t let the fear of lack of money stop you from moving on to where your intuition told you to go.
Best wishes.
Bruno
11.
aspaceoflove |
February 26, 2010 at 1:44 am
Hi Bruno, Thanks for your kind comments!
12.
Kate |
March 4, 2010 at 3:08 am
Thank you Heather for pointing me to this. Great stuff!
I feel as if I’ve moved on for all the right reasons and I did it in love. There was nothing left in me to give and more importantly I can see now perhaps my husband was mirroring my feelings by not being receptive to my pleas for him to stop drinking. I did toward the end tell him I had no right to ask him to stop drinking, but the result would be that I would leave as I had a right to live my life without chaos and fear.
Cool beans!
Love ya Heather!
13.
aspaceoflove |
March 5, 2010 at 5:32 am
Thanks Kate!! So glad the article was helpful!
Heather
14.
Debz Buller |
July 26, 2010 at 1:52 pm
Heather,
thank you so much for leading me to this post! I flit in from time to time – but it is very timely right now! I love your wise, free spirit and consider you one of my great teachers – do you “hear” me invoke you along with my other teachers at the beginning of each of my sessions?
I am interested in reading further to see what your observations are now that you are returned to Sedona!
You are quite the inspiration for me, my Love!
Shanti,
Debz